🐗 HOGS Medal Recap – “Sponsored by Deep Vein Thrombosis”

Welcome to the HOGS Medal — or as the club’s groundsman now calls it, “a hostage situation with trolleys.”

They booked every tee time. Every. Single. One.
Half the field didn’t turn up, and the half that did took so long the pro shop started handing out flares and foil blankets at the turn.

By midday, four players were lost in a bunker, two had nodded off on the 8th green, and one was seen trying to chip with his car keys.
Play was so slow, one guy’s Garmin requested a software update halfway through the round.

⛳ Hole Highlights

(aka “A Crime Scene With Flagsticks”)

• Hole 5: Glyn Hall racked up an 11. That’s not a score, that’s a biblical plague.

• Hole 1: Several golfers opened with a snowman. Which makes sense — they moved like they were made of actual snow.

• Hole 12: Par 5. Played like a minefield. So many 7s and 8s, the scorecard looked like a crime report.

• Gross Leader? An 84. And that’s the best. Imagine running a race where the winner crawls over the line and still gets a medal.

❄️ Snowmen in May?

A handful of lads posted 8s like they were handing out free drinks.
One bloke scored so many eights his card looked like two sets of bingo numbers mating.

“If your score starts with an 8, just lie down and let the worms take you.”

🎣 Better Off Fishing

Anything over 8? It’s no longer golf. That’s competitive lawn wandering.

• One player went double digits on a par 4.
  His playing partner filled out a missing persons form before he finished the hole.

• If your score hits 10 or more, the only thing you’re swinging is the pace of evolution.

🐌 Speed of Play: Glaciers Are Furious

The pace was so slow, the sun gave up and left.
Players took so long to tee off, the club's crows had time to evolve language.

“One guy moved so slowly we used him to measure tectonic drift.”

The pro shop is considering launching a 6-day membership — not for savings, just so there’s enough time to finish a bloody round.

🧠 Closing Thought

The HOGS Medal is the only event where your age is lower than your front-nine.
A round so painful, even the course considered calling in sick.